Thinking Why
by DreamswithJoy
Summary: Why am I like this? When did it all just screw over? ...why aren't I doing a damn thing about it? Random personal frustrations let out  with use of Vocaloids and a few changes here and there ! XD


*I don't own Vocaloid, only this angst stuff that sorta relates to me right now.*

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><p>All I really knew right then was that I felt empty. Like I was so sick, I could never be cured.<p>

I remember a talk I had with my brother a while ago. And to think I felt happy before. Wow. Humans sure are fickle. God damn….how am I going to get to bed now? I want to cry.

I'm such a fucking liar.

I lie to my friends, my family, and myself almost every fucking day. And it hurts.

I look up at the table, seeing a razor blade just sitting there, tempting me. But I turned away quickly, erasing those thoughts from my mind. I didn't want to hurt myself, but I felt desperate. Feeling depressed for two fucking years hasn't done me any good, hasn't it?

And it's only been getting worse. Hell, maybe some cheerful anime or something'll help.

But it's only temporary.

Only fucking temporary, but at least forgetting temporarily is better than not forgetting at all.

Cause when all the memories, some of the people, and the same setting as all that shit that happened two years ago, are all around you, it's beyond fucking impossible to help yourself.

Change of scenery? Hell yes.

I just need to get away from here, hundreds, even thousands of miles away. I don't know how I know this, but I know my 'happiness' isn't here.

No, it's somewhere else.

Wow, I'm still listening to that music he put on. How funny.

It hurts.

Just thinking about my life hurts, just thinking hurts right now. I'm just acting on impulse, aren't I?

Why is the fact that Miku said she was straight bother me? I don't know. A crush? Falling in love? Fuck, I've only known her for less than two years, it makes no sense!

I really don't know shit about myself, cause if I did, I would know if I had a crush (or was in love with) Miku. I would know why the hell I keep on staring at the legs of some girl in my class. I would know how to fix half of my problems.

But I don't, so life's a bitch.

Like being surrounded by idiots and those dumb preppy chicks all day.

I just want to beat the shit outta them for no good reason.

Especially that bitch Iroha.

God damn, she irritates me.

Especially last year, when she blamed me for giving the answers to a snack quiz (which I did, and they accepted with open arms. To be honest, I was just trying to help. And so was the friend who gave me the answers. Besides, it wasn't an academic test….).

I cried.

Her bitch of a friend Neru kept on dissing me.

Fuck! Now I want to pull that hair outta her!

God damn, I just need to sleep!

Whatever….I'm still pissed as hell soooooo…

I guess I'll rant a little more to you, S-T-R-A-N-G-E-R!

Oh! Yay! It's 'Only My Railgun'! Epic ass song!

Hanate kokoro ni-shit! I'm getting distracted again!

I'm an easily distracted person, so I guess that's why I always use fantasy to forget about my issues.

I'm such a dirty hypocrite, aren't I?

But hey! Everyone's a bloody hypocrite! Psh, don't try and pretend you aren't, cause you were hypocritical at least….50 times in your life.

But right now, I'm just going to be honest and say that sometimes, I feel like killing myself.

Nice, ne?

I just feel like I'm some fucked up little extra in the stage of life, that I have no purpose. It sucks. It's like everyone around you would be the same or better off if you didn't exist.

And don't you DARE pull that "I hate self-pitying teens" bullshit! THAT'S only done by dumbass ignorant pussies who don't know or want to know shit about feeling depressed.

….that is one example of being hypocritical. When you criticize something you don't know shit about. That's one a lot of people do.

Sometimes, I wish I could be in another world.

A world where magical and supernatural powers exist.

Cause that would be a hell of a lot more exciting than this world, where it feels impossible to do a damn thing.

It hurts to live like this.

A song like Miku's 'A Wanna Die' may seem encouraging, but it only deals with so much….

What do I need?

What do I want?

Not what do others want or need, what _I _want or need.

Although that's called being selfish, I feel like I've been far too selfless.

I don't want to share a computer.

I want a new mp3 player.

I want my own computer.

I don't want to have to go deal with dumbasses at school every day.

I want to be happy.

I need to be happy.

I don't want to be sad.

I don't need to be sad.

I want to be strong.

I need to be strong.

I want to smile.

But what can I do to get all that?

The mp3 player?

Convince parents, and/or earn the money.

Computer?

Same thing.

No more dumbasses?

Can't do that one.

Being happy?

Try and be more optimistic?

Only temporary.

Then, I honestly don't know.

….wait. Why the hell am I still sitting on the floor?

….okay. I'm in a chair people!

Not being sad?

Don't know.

Being strong?

Don't know that one either. Maybe facing my fears would be a good start (my fear of the dark is semi- fading away).

Wanting to smile?

I can do that any time, but to smile from the bottom of my heart? That's something rare!

Maybe just shooting for my goals would be good.

Cause regardless of all my troubles and such, I still know I have to fight this. I can't give in to suicide, I just can't.

Cause I still have so much more to live my life for, so much more to figure out, so much more to accomplish.

So, I, Kagamine Rin, hear by declare myself: FIGHTING DEPRESSION AND PROUD!

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><p>*As you can tell, this Rin's experiences were pretty much all my own. I won't tell you who everyone else is though (people who know me may be able to figure out a few….heh…). Also, I just want to thank all my readers out there! You guys really make my life a hell of a lot better! Thank you!*<p> 


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